It's officially 2010. This is important for several reasons. First, it's a new year and that's always important. Second, it almost (a few days late) marks the official five year anniversary of my diagnosis. Lastly, it signifies a much needed fresh start.
Like I said, a new year is always important. Why? I'm not exactly sure. Maybe it's the symbolic aspect or maybe it's the fact that it gives people the opportunity to feel like they're starting something new. It's a celebration of lasting another year in this crazy world. This year I spent my New Years Eve at home with my family. Shocker? It's the first time I've done that since elementary school but I wasn't expecting to even be in town and instead of dressing up and going out, I decided to lay low and enjoy my family.
The new year also holds a special importance because it is very nearly my anniversary of being diagnosed with Aplastic Anemia. Five years ago, my mom took me to the doctor on the day after christmas. This means that I've officially survived five years living with this monster. For me, new years is like that "start" line that you see in those racing video games. Every time you pass the start line, you don't slow down. Instead, you keep going and pray that the laps never end. Even if you're losing, you don't want it to end. Another lap means another chance to regain the lead and end up victorious. Lap six will be the hardest lap thus far, and hopefully ever. But it won't be the last.
Lastly, this symbolizes a fresh start for me. As I sit here deciding what to write, I find myself being afraid to say certain things. I never realized how far my blog would reach out. My readers range from teachers to classmates to nurses to family. I promised in the very beginning that I would write about the good, the bad and the ugly. Now I'm finding that easier said than done. This new year I promise to start being 100% honest. After all, this blog isn't for my readers. It's for me. It's my chance to tell my story and I want to do it the right way.
That being said, these past few days have been extremely tough. I have good days and I have bad days but lately, they've been bad. I've been struggling to get back into my old life. I don't seem to enjoy the things I did before I left. I can't seem to forget about all the fear and anticipation I'm living with. Getting within 24 hours of starting chemo can really do something to a person. When I got home, everyone (including myself) was fairly impressed with how well I handled things. I took a week to mope and then I was back on my feet. Then, a few days ago I realized that I can't just get over it. This isn't some bad test grade. This isn't some bad breakup. This isn't even some family crisis. This is my life. And right now, it's not looking so good. I find myself turning down invitations to be social and instead spending my time crying when nobody can hear me. I'm hurting. Nobody will ever understand how much. My mind, body, heart and soul aches. To make things worse, the people I trust the most are letting me down. I'm starting to remember how much hurt there is in the world.
I think experiencing what I've gone through has made me very sensitive to the rest of the world. For example, friends talking about college really hurts because it reminds me that my dreams have been put on hold. Obviously this isn't intentional but it hurts me. Another example, saying "I hope you die" takes on a whole new meaning to a person who has been fighting for five years to keep that from happening. We all say things we don't mean when we're angry but exactly how angry do you have to be to wish something like that upon ANYONE (not just me)? I won't disclose names or full recollections of these events because I have to protect the identities of these people, no matter how stupid their actions are. I can handle drugs hurting me. I can handle my disease hurting me. Hell, I can handle my own body hurting me. But I cannot handle others hurting me. Sometimes I wonder how people are even capable of being so hurtful.
I've never been very good at letting people see me when I'm weak. That's especially hard considering this disease constantly tries to make me weak and break me down. It's to the point where I would put makeup on and fake laugh when people would come to visit me in the hospital. I can't take sympathy or pity. That's why it's so hard to be honest about what I'm going through. This blog is supposed to be a great experience for me and I want it to be 100% accurate. Not all posts can be good ones.
So, that's enough downers for one day. Serious props to everyone who has the stomach to read my blog and digest the hard truth it involves/will involve in the future. Let's end on a happy note. Like I said in my previous post, I've been thinking a lot about Eleanor Roosevelt lately. I've also been thinking about other influential people such as Gandhi and the Dalai Lama. Reading their quotes and thoughts has helped me a lot. Today, one Gandhi quote stuck out to me.
***Reason of the day: "Nobody can hurt me without my permission."- Gandhi. Feeling empowered and in control of my own emotions in a time of weakness is always a reason to smile (RTS)***
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