Valentine's Weekend 2010

First off, Happy Valentines weekend for those of you lovey-dovey, googlie-eyed monsters. Second, thanks to everyone for continuing to add to my list of subscribers! If you haven’t subscribed yet, do so! It makes it much easier to follow my blog.

I guess I should start by apologizing, yet again, for taking a break from my blogging. To be honest, I’m in a rut. I’ve actually tried for the past three days to write this blog entry and couldn’t seem to do it. I think the problem is that I feel like I have this pressure to smile and act like everything is going to be okay. When really, I don’t feel like that at all. I almost feel like a disappointment for having mostly negative things to blog about. I realize that sounds silly but it’s how I feel. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I decided to do this blog and I don’t want to quit, it’s just so hard to stay honest and blog about what I’m really going through. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. Nobody wants to be a Debbie-downer.

I decided right now it would be best to reflect on the past three months. Three months ago, I started my blog with the strength and positive energy to face an unfathomable battle. I packed up my things and left my home, knowing there was a chance I would never come home. Two months ago, all positive energy and strength was ripped from me as I was sent home to wait. One month ago, my lack of faith started to hit me. I stopped being social. I became overwhelmed with feelings of sickness and I found myself becoming shut off. Today, I realize that this past month has been the hardest month of my life. Even scarier is the thought that things are only going to get harder.

As shameful as it is to admit, I think it’s important that people understand what it’s like to actually experience what I’ve gone through. I really can’t find the words to explain how I am feeling. It’s almost as if I’m experiencing some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder. I prepared my mind and my body to be as strong as possible for months of intense pain and suffering. Only to have everything ripped up from under me. I haven’t seen a single friend since the beginning of January. I rarely talk to any of my old friends anymore. I’m completely shut off. I understand that part of this is my fault, but I don’t think all of it is. People don’t realize what happens when the attention fades. All the excitement and encouragement is gone. All of the prayers and luck is gone. Nobody checks on you. Nobody remembers. Their lives move on and mine doesn’t. This isn’t something I get to forget about or push aside, This is my life. I can’t escape it like everybody else can. My goal in writing this is not to make anyone feel guilty, it’s simply to show you what it’s really like to be me.

I think that’s enough negativity for one day. Hopefully next time I blog I will have something more positive to report. My spirits aren’t exactly high right now, but all I can do is take it one day at a time. Today might suck but there’s always tomorrow.

**Reason of the Day: This past Tuesday was transfusion day so my dad and I dropped my little brother, Ethan, off at his daycare before heading to the hospital for a day of transfusions. As Ethan got out of the car he turned to me and said, “Have fun getting blood!” Supportive 5-year-olds (with possible vampire humor) are always reasons to smile (RTS). **